4 Things I Learned from Being Possessive and Controlling in a Relationship

4 Things I Learned from Being Possessive and Controlling in a Relationship

As she stood there watching the puppet present, our eyes locked. I used to be immediately attracted.

After what felt just like the longest fifteen minutes torn between the need to speak to her and the concern of rejection, I mustered the braveness to introduce myself.

She gave me a smile, then with out saying a phrase, walked away.

“What just happened? How can such a beautiful lady be so rude?” I stood there in disbelief, overtaken by embarrassment, pretending nothing had occurred.

Two weeks later, as if by pure serendipity, a mutual good friend reconnected us. That was the start of a relationship I might solely dream of.

Oh boy, did I misjudge her! Her engaging look was a precise expression of the fantastic thing about her soul.

One 12 months and a half later, we have been courting. Sure, I spent one 12 months and half chasing after her. I assure a minute spent together with her would persuade you it was nicely price my whereas.

They are saying it takes longer to construct a fort than a rooster coop. One and a half years have to be the muse for a skyscraper that not even the worst storm might break.

For a couple of 12 months, it felt that approach. We have been inseparable. Each our dad and mom gave us their blessings. We moved in collectively. We even made marriage ceremony plans.

It was like a relationship out of a fairy story. We had each motive to consider we might stay fortunately endlessly after. Life with out one another was inconceivable.

However there an issue… I used to be excessively possessive and controlling.

I couldn’t stand my lady speaking to a different man. I had the passwords to all her social media accounts. Whomever she was speaking to, I knew. If she needed to meet a male good friend, I used to be current.

Little by little I used to be withdrawing from her emotional checking account, as Stephen Covey put it. Worst of all, I used to be taking greater than I used to be placing in.

As a fervent Buddhist who believes in “letting go,” she was very tolerant. That gave me loads of room to throw tantrums, ruminate, and blow the littlest subject out of proportion.

Properly, persistence has its limits. After three and a half years, she had reached hers. I had emptied her emotional checking account.

It was over. She had damaged up with me.

I used to be so clingy that I wouldn’t even settle for her determination. I spent eighteen days attempting each trick below the blue sky to get her again, to no avail.

How did that occur? We’d spent a lot time constructing our relationship, cherishing and loving one another. What went mistaken?

The eighteen days that adopted have been like a dwelling hell. I suffered panic assaults, misplaced my urge for food, and couldn’t sleep. Life grew to become meaningless. I used to be at a breaking level.

On the eighteenth day after the breakup, after I realized she wasn’t coming again, I had a reckoning. My desperation all of a sudden gave option to a wave of frustration, anger, and disgrace.

As I used to be engulfed in deceit and embarrassment, I made a solemn determination to by no means once more get rejected by a lady for being overly possessive, irrational, and illiberal.

Such a momentous determination! I didn’t know if that was even attainable and the way I used to be ever going to achieve such a lofty aim.

That breakup and the three years spent self-examining taught me the large 4 classes I’m about to share with you.

Are you in a relationship? Does your overbearingness stop you from spending high quality time together with your accomplice? Are you able to make adjustments?

In case you answered sure to all three questions, you’re studying the correct article. Hopefully, you gained’t need to lose a accomplice and spend three years in self-introspection to seek out out it’s essential to make adjustments.

Very first thing first, love thyself.

I do know that sounds cliché, however I couldn’t discover any fancier option to put it..

Having fun with the corporate of your accomplice begins with you feeling good in your personal pores and skin. I’m guessing you’ll agree that one can’t love in the event that they don’t possess it.

An absence of self-love will trigger you to middle your complete being across the different particular person. And similar to any host-parasite relationship, it’s going to finally fail. Your accomplice can’t allow you to feed off them indefinitely.

Self-love is just not selfishness. Loving your self first doesn’t imply disparaging the opposite to raise your self. It’s acknowledging and embracing your self whereas selflessly attuning to your accomplice’s wants and whims.

Neglect the “other half” mantras. Neither you nor your accomplice is a half, every of you possess their distinctive pursuits, weaknesses, strengths, and aspiration. It’s solely whenever you each commit to one another, whereas staying true to your individuality, that real love occurs.

If I had espoused that concept then, I’d by no means have thought of suicide when my ex left me. I had primarily based a lot of my life on her I simply couldn’t discover which means outsider of her.

Study to belief otherwise you lose.

Belief is the pillar of each human relationship, particularly romantic ones.

My lack of belief in my ex had nothing to do together with her however relatively with my deep sense of insecurity. I had the recurring thought that she would go away the minute she met somebody higher than me.

Not solely did my baseless fears trigger me my peace of thoughts, in addition they created a wedge in our relationship.

My belief points brought about her to lose all sense of vulnerability and security round me. The one choice she had was to speak in confidence to another person.

To be taught to belief, I needed to remind myself of this easy reality: We will’t management somebody’s ideas and actions. The very best we are able to do is to offer them the advantage of the doubt.

Now, I select to respect and belief my girlfriend unconditionally. Not solely is she extra prepared to divulge heart’s contents to me, I additionally take pleasure in a dramatic enhance in vanity.

Forgive and neglect.

Have you learnt these individuals who catastrophize and ruminate lengthy after they bought damage? Properly, that’s my previous self!

I did this each time my ex did one thing that displeased me. It didn’t matter if she apologized, I’d internalize it and convey it up each time we have been in an argument.

For the final two years of our relationship, I made her life depressing. Think about somebody who by no means forgets even your most trivial mishap and makes use of it to assault you each time you’re mistaken.

Paradoxically, I realized to forgive and neglect in the course of the eighteen-day interval whereas I used to be attempting to get her again out of desperation.

After flowers, lengthy letters, and fixed telephone calls failed, I assumed I might use faith to get her consideration. That concept introduced me to Google trying to find “Buddha’s quote about forgiveness.”

I got here throughout this knowledge by Buddha: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

As I copied and pasted the quote in a textual content message, I noticed it was extra related to me than her. I had an on the spot awakening.

As a substitute of sending the quote to her, I made a decision to internalize it and use it for myself. What number of occasions have I burnt myself by holding to anger? That was a real eye opener.

After I began to remind myself of the hazard anger poses to 1’s psychological well being and peace of thoughts, to not point out its disastrous consequence on {our relationships}, I grew to become extra tolerant and accepting.

Perceive that nothing is assured to final endlessly.

I realized the exhausting approach that regardless of how nicely issues are going between you and your accomplice, they could depart you at any time.

Whenever you settle for the temporal nature of all the pieces, you may cease clinging and worrying concerning the future and easily take pleasure in what you may have within the second.

This implies we should steadiness having fun with the corporate of our accomplice, whereas accepting the connection may not final endlessly.

Paradoxically, accepting that they might depart would possibly lower the chances of them leaving any time quickly as a result of individuals really feel quite a bit happier after they don’t really feel suffocated or managed.

At the moment, I perceive my ex breaking apart with me was a blessing in disguise.

Would I alter issues if I might return in time? Not for the world! I grew extra within the three years following our breakup than I had within the twenty-one years earlier than that. Why would anybody commerce that?

Precisely three years after that breakup, I bought into a brand new a relationship that’s been going sturdy for nearly two years now. I do know when to spend money on myself and when to offer my girlfriend my undivided consideration. I respect, belief, and provides her all the love she deserves.

I don’t know what the longer term holds, however I don’t fear. I seize the day, put together for the worst, and hope for greatest.

Did I attain my lofty aim to by no means once more get rejected for being overly possessive? Geez, I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. All I do know is that if my girlfriend leaves me tomorrow, it gained’t be as a result of I used to be being illiberal, overbearing, and bossy.

About Bachir Bastien

Bachir Bastien aspires to be the flicker that can ignite the hearth of prospects in as many individuals as attainable. Struggles from early childhood prompted him to make use of his tales to empower others. He at present lives in Taiwan, the place he typically conducts workshops, seminars, and 121 teaching aiming at serving to individuals construct resilience, braveness, and confidence. Go to him on LinkedIn, Fb, and Instagram.

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